What constitutes a friend? When is someone just an acquaintance? Can you really say that someone is your “BFF” if you’ve only known them for a year? When is it time to admit that they just are not that into you?
I have very few friends from high school. In fact, I have very few friends I’ve known for more than ten years. I’m a little exacting about what makes up a friend. They don’t have to be perfect, but they do have to be present. And they do have to be kind and considerate.
About five years after I graduated high school a person I knew showed up at my workplace, asking if we were still friends. I would think that she already knew the answer by that point, but we were young and nobody had told us what the rules were about how to have a friend or how to know when a friendship is over.
We’d not talked in years. I was surprised she even knew where I worked. We’d drifted apart because we had nothing to hold us together. Leaving the artificial environment of high school does that. Life does that. The fact that she just showed up where I worked rather than calling me first and asking to talk to me was a clue that things were over. Regular friends are considerate of your time.
She wasn’t a regular friend. I was assigned to her when we were in fourth grade. A teacher came up to me and asked me to be her friend because she was a loner. Her life was a bit sad. Her father has died, but before that he had been abusive. Her mom was doing the best she could raising her alone, but they were poor. The already bad start was compounded. The teacher was trying to help her out by pairing her with someone she thought would be kind. I don’t think the teacher thought about what this would do to me.
It taught me that friendship is about sacrificing your own needs for others. It taught me that friendship is about taking care of others. It taught me that my own needs don’t matter. It taught me that I had to be there for the friend, but the friend didn’t have to be there for me.
I once read “I’d rather have four quarters than 100 pennies.” The quote was about friendship – about quality over quantity. When I first read it I didn’t get it. They both add up to 100. Surely it is the same. But it isn’t the same at all. Time is precious and life is short. I’d rather have a few real friends than a bunch of acquaintances.